


Guilt

by JWade



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-29
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-27 15:31:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8407081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JWade/pseuds/JWade
Summary: Sam loved Gabriel since the moment they met. In the ten years since the archangel died, Sam's never forgiven himself for it and spiraled down a dark hole. But what if Gabriel isn't as dead as he thought?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Possible trigger warnings.

It had been almost ten years since Gabriel died in that hotel and Sam had still never managed to get over it. All that time he had spent thinking, wishing he had done something differently. Wishing that he hadn’t gotten the archangel killed. He had felt drawn to Gabriel from the first time they met when he was just a jovial janitor, but then he was a trickster. A monster. Sam tried his best to forget about him. Mystery Spot ate at him for a long time. More because of the way he still couldn’t help but feel towards the trickster than anything else. Sure, watching his brother die over and over again was traumatic, but he was no stranger to trauma. Loving the person who tortured you with it however, that was different. It wasn’t until Lucifer was released that he realized what Gabriel had been trying to stop and the love he felt for the enigmatic being only grew, along with his guilt. He swore that if he ever saw the trickster again he would listen to him. It didn’t end up working that way though. They had gone to him for help and he was trying to make them finish what they wanted him to help stop. That was also when Sam found out that he wasn’t in love with a trickster after all. He was in love with an archangel and that made him even more determined to never tell a soul. He was the boy with the demon blood. He had released Lucifer. He had been in a relationship with a demon. No way could he ever taint something so pure as an archangel. 

Then Gabriel died. He walked into that hotel, knowing that he would die, and sacrificed himself for them. Sam hadn’t realized at the time that Gabriel was planning to die. If he had then he never would have walked away, but he thought Gabriel could win. He’d had faith in him. The fact that he had left a dying message before he walked out there though proved otherwise and Sam’s guilt grew even more. So much so that he felt crushed under the weight of it every day. If only he had listened to him at Mystery Spot. If he had learned to let go, then Lucifer would never have been released and Gabriel would be alive. If he and Dean hadn’t pushed him so hard to help them he wouldn’t have walked into that hotel and thrown himself into a fight he couldn’t win. If they had listened to him about the danger of breaking the others out of the freezer at that hotel, they could have been long gone before Lucifer showed up. Part of him said that those people were innocents and no matter the danger leaving them would have been wrong, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. They weren’t worth Gabriel’s life and he just felt guiltier for feeling that way, but to him nothing was worth Gabriel’s life. Hell he almost wished they had said yes to Michael and Lucifer and gotten the end over with rather than dragging Gabriel into it. At least then the best archangel…hell the best angel period…would still be alive even if the rest of the world was done for. 

Even after all that time, all the mistakes he made, Gadreel, Abaddon, Amara, all the people he’d gotten killed, Kevin, Charlie, Bobby, all the times they’d nearly ended the world…the one that always stuck with him, the one that never faded, was the missing archangel. The one that should have been there. That lived long before time had any meaning and should have lived far after it ceased to matter as well, but he was dead and it was all Sam’s fault. He had known he was cursed after Jessica. After she had been killed to get to him. After he had ignored his premonitions and left her unprotected, but Gabriel was different. He loved Jessica, he really did, but Gabriel…it was a whole different league, which even Sam found ridiculous. He’d had a life with Jessica. They’d been together, lived together, and Sam had even been considering marriage. He’d never even kissed Gabriel. They had nothing, but he couldn’t help but love the archangel with everything he had. He was doomed to always get the people he loved killed. 

Most days he could cope. He could put on a brave face and go hunt with his brother. He could search the library for references to help other hunters. He could watch television and laugh at his brother’s crude jokes. That was all it ever took to convince Dean that he was fine. Dean didn’t notice how hollow his laughter was. How hollow his life was. Dean didn’t know about the things he did behind closed doors, how only the pull of the blade across his skin made him feel alive. Dean didn’t know how often he cried himself to sleep or how often the night terrors would wake him in the night. He didn’t know how many times and in how many different ways he had watched Gabriel die in his mind. How many different ways he had seen Lucifer kill him, never knowing which one was real. Which one was accurate. Dean didn’t see the lines of scars running over Sam’s arms and legs, and Sam was glad for it. He never wanted his brother to know. He didn’t want Dean to know how much he’d loved the irascible archangel. How much he still loved him, even now. He didn’t want Dean to know how broken he was because then his brother would try to fix him, and Sam knew he couldn’t be fixed. It would just hurt them both when he tried and failed. Sam had considered ending his life more than once, but now, knowing that he was headed for hell, knowing what waited for him there, and even worse, knowing what Dean would do to get him back…he just couldn’t, so he walked through life in a haze, putting on a good front for everyone and hoping no one managed to see through his masks.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam woke up and trudged his way sleepily into the kitchen to get a pot of coffee started. It was still really early, but the night terror that woke him up this time was particularly vivid. It had basically taken his time in the cage, but put Gabriel in his place. Those were always the worst. He could live with what happened to him, but seeing Gabriel like that always killed him. No sooner than he opened the kitchen door there was a thump followed by, “Ooof. Your wards sure pack a punch there kiddo. Just need a place to lie low for a few days. I’ll stay out of your hair.” 

Sam blinked for a second at the dead archangel picking himself up off the floor. “Great. More hallucinations,” he muttered as he turned and headed back to his room. Maybe he did need more sleep. 

“Hey Sam. Wait!” Gabriel called after him, even running to catch up, but the hunter showed no signs of even hearing him before the door was slammed in his face and Gabriel glared at the door for a minute as he tried to figure out what the hell was going on before he just shrugged and made his way to the kitchen. He knew the hunters didn’t want anything to do with him but maybe if he made himself useful they would be amenable to him lying low here for a few days while the heat died down. 

He should have known that sleeping with a married goddess would come back to bite him in the ass, but he hadn’t been able to help himself. The fact that her husband happened to be half god/half giant was just one more nail in his coffin. Sure he was an archangel and could wipe the floor with them, but he didn’t much relish the idea of having to kill someone innocent for something that he had done to get him off his tail. The stupidest part though had been showing her all his little boltholes while trying to convince her to run away with him. He had been trying to show her that he could keep her hidden from her husband, but now that she had apparently patched things up with him she’d spilled all so short of creating a new hiding spot, which took time, he was reduced to finding somewhere she didn’t know about that was still warded heavily enough to keep him off their radar. 

In his bid to make himself useful, he waited until a decent hour and went to the kitchen to start cooking up a big nice breakfast for the hunters, hoping that would buy him some time before they pulled out the holy oil. Dean was the first to stumble in obviously following his nose rather than his eyes to the full pot of coffee and the plate piled high with pancakes, bacon, and scrambled eggs. It wasn’t until his third bite of the delicious breakfast that he woke up enough to wonder where it came from and snapped his head up to see a rather amused archangel leaning against the counter looking like he was about three seconds away from laughter. Dean immediately spit out everything in his mouth, hoping that whatever Gabriel had done to the food hadn’t taken effect yet and that was it for the archangel who doubled over laughing. 

“What the hell?!” Dean exclaimed. “How are you not dead? Why are you here? What did you do to the food?” 

Gabriel took a second to reign in his laughter enough to answer him. “I didn’t do anything to the food. I just need a place to lie low for a few days and figured you’d be more likely to be amenable if I made myself useful,” he said still chuckling heavily. “As for how I’m not dead…well…Metatron used the whole angel tablet thing to bring me back a few years ago. I’m surprised Cassie didn’t tell you.” Gabriel looked up to see Sam standing in the doorway looking at him with wide eyes like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing and was about three seconds from making a mad dash out of here. Gabriel sighed. “I promise I didn’t do anything to the food. You can sit down and eat.”

Sam stepped slowly into the room, not taking his eyes off Gabriel as he did so and he fell more than sat in his chair. His eyes tracked the archangel as he went to the coffee pot and poured a cup of coffee, placing it in front of Sam seeing as how the hunter was obviously in no condition to get it himself. After once again telling him to eat, Sam started absentmindedly picking at the food, still not looking away from Gabriel as he gathered up the dirty cooking utensils and started to wash them by hand and Sam furrowed his brow in confusion. Gabriel could still feel Sam’s eyes on him and he glanced back at the hunter to see his confusion. “What? Some things are relaxing to do the human way,” he said slightly defensively. 

Sam tore his eyes away from the archangel, and finally looked down at his food, seeing that Gabriel had topped his pancakes with fruit just the way he liked it and he couldn’t help but smile. Seeing Dean interacting with him had convinced him that Gabriel wasn’t a hallucination after all, but that just made the emotions swirling in him even worse. Just because Gabriel was back didn’t banish his guilt for getting him killed in the first place and Gabriel obviously didn’t want anything to do with them anyway since he’d been back for five years and this was the first they were hearing from him when he needed a place to hide. He ate in silence and retreated to the library as quickly as he could manage, thinking that was the one place Gabriel wouldn’t be likely to go. 

Gabriel once again found himself watching the hunter walk out without so much as acknowledging his presence. “Well I didn’t exactly expect a warm welcome, but that was positively frigid,” he said unable to keep the disappointment from his voice. 

Dean had been watching Sam worriedly ever since he’d came in and said, “That wasn’t frigid. That was…I don’t know what that was, but he wasn’t mad or annoyed or anything.” Dean frowned after his brother as he too tried to figure out what was up with him. Sam had seemed…wrong. “Did you sense anything off about him?”

“You mean other than that whole thing?” Gabriel asked. Apparently, Dean’s worry over Sam was overriding his hatred for Gabriel for the time being and the archangel couldn’t help but be grateful for small favors. 

“I mean like…I don’t know…Is he possessed or sick or something?” Dean could come up with no other explanations for his brother’s odd behavior. 

“Obviously not or I would have done something about it,” Gabriel rolled his eyes. Like he could risk something possessing him getting out with the knowledge that Gabriel was here and if he were sick, healing him would be the best way to get in their good graces after all. 

Dean figured the same thing, but had no better explanation for why Sam was acting so weird all of a sudden. “I don’t know. He’s just…weird.”

“He’s not the only one,” Gabriel muttered. 

Dean looked at him. “What do you mean?” 

“I expected a lot more yelling, threats, and maybe some holy oil being trotted out by now,” Gabriel said looking curiously at the hunter. 

“Yeah, well, you did die for us and help us stop the apocalypse. As long as you can behave I can deal,” Dean said with a shrug. “Not so sure about Sammy though,” he looked worriedly towards the door again. 

“I’ll go talk to him. See if I can’t figure out what’s going on,” Gabriel offered. He too was finding Sam rather unsettling and the idea of this going on for the days or even week or two it took for him to get a new place ready wasn’t very appealing. 

“Thanks,” Dean said gratefully. Obviously whatever issue Sam had, it involved Gabriel. Plus, it got Dean out of having to do the whole awkward conversation thing. He resigned himself to it though if Gabriel couldn’t get anywhere, but hopefully he would be spared.


	3. Chapter 3

Gabriel walked to where he could sense Sam and knocked lightly on the large double door before sticking his head in. “Sam? Can we talk?” he asked hopefully. 

When he heard the knock the hunter quickly pulled his sleeve down and palmed the blade, hiding it back in his pocket before Gabriel could see. “Yeah, I guess,” Sam said with a shrug as he turned towards the archangel. 

When Sam made no move to speak any further, Gabriel suppressed his sigh and took the reins. “I know you don’t want me here…”

“I don’t care,” Sam said quickly, cutting him off. Gabriel tilted his head curiously wondering if the hunter was saying that he didn’t care if Gabriel was here or he didn’t care what Gabriel had to say. Sam seemed to understand the confusion and clarified. “I don’t care if you’re here,” he lied. Truth was he did care. He cared a lot. Part of him wanted nothing more than for Gabriel to stay forever just so he could be near him, but part of him just wanted Gabriel to leave. To stop dredging up these painful feelings and memories. The ever-present guilt that he’d been carrying for a decade was so much more pronounced with Gabriel there, but how could he ever turn him away? That would just make it even worse. Add more guilt on top of it. If Gabriel needed a place to hide then he would have it, even if it killed Sam, which it just might. 

“Obviously, you do,” Gabriel said pointedly. 

“No. Really. I just…I thought you were dead…and now you’re here…and…I don’t know…” he shrugged as he looked away before the archangel could see the tears stinging his eyes. 

Gabriel frowned. Something wasn’t right here. He was missing something big, but he just couldn’t put his finger on what it could be. “You’d think as often as people come back from the dead around here you’d be used to it by now,” he said trying to probe for some more information. 

“It’s not the kind of thing you get used to easily,” Sam couldn’t help but snap. “Besides…it’s been ten years…” he trailed off swallowing around the lump in his throat. “Why…” 

“Why what?” Gabriel asked when it was clear Sam wasn’t going to finish his question. 

“Why didn’t you ever tell us you were back?” he asked clearly hurt. 

“I figured Cassie would have told you and if you wanted me around you would have prayed for me,” Gabriel told him wondering why it bothered him so much. 

“He…he didn’t…I…I’m sorry, Gabriel,” Sam said unable to stop the tears. 

“Hey now. There’s no need to be sorry,” Gabriel said patting his shoulder uncomfortably. “It doesn’t matter. Now you know.” 

“Not…not that. I…I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you at Mystery Spot. I’m sorry I let Lucifer out. I’m sorry I insisted on getting the other people out at that hotel. I’m sorry I got you killed. I…I’m so sorry,” Sam said wrapping his arms around his middle as the tears flowed faster. 

Gabriel understood now. Sam felt guilty. He did the only thing he could think to do and pulled his chair forward and reached, one hand carding through the hunter’s hair, pulling Sam’s forehead to his shoulder. “It’s not your fault Sam. It’s mine. I could have tried harder. I could have put my foot down. I didn’t have to go in there that day. That was my choice. Don’t blame yourself.”

Sam’s arms wrapped around Gabriel, taking all the comfort he offered despite the fact that he didn’t deserve it. “It is my fault. All of it. I’m so sorry,” Sam sobbed. 

Gabriel brought his other hand around to rub circles on Sam’s back, trying to get him calmed down. Apparently, he wasn’t going to be able to convince the hunter of his innocence right now, but maybe he could at least get him calm and comfortable. He still couldn’t shake the idea that there was more to this that he was missing and found himself at a loss of what else to do. It wasn’t long before Sam’s sobs turned to sniffles and then he jerked away like he’d been burned. “Sorry,” he mumbled as he fled from the room. 

Gabriel considered going after him for a moment, but he had no idea what to say to him, so he just let him be. He ignored the pang he felt at the fact that Sam was hurting so badly, and probably in his room crying some more. He, more than most, knew what guilt could do to a person and he knew that there was no chance of getting through to him when he was worked up like this. If he was going to make any leeway at all, it would be while Sam was calm and in his right mind. It seemed he would be sticking around for more than a few days after all. He couldn’t bear to leave Sam in this condition. Not when it was his fault. He should have popped in on them to let them know himself that he was alive. 

Sam knew that no one would bother him in his own room, even if Gabriel had any interest in being anywhere near him after his embarrassing breakdown. He felt a panic attack coming on and tried to focus on his breathing as he pulled his blade out of his pocket again, drawing it across his arm as his breathing slowly returned to normal. It took seven cuts this time before he felt like he could breathe again and he wrapped them up so no one would notice the blood before pulling his sleeve back down and turning his thoughts back to his current predicament. Now that he was calmer and had a chance to wrap his head around things he was able to get a little perspective. 

Gabriel made his way back to the living room where Dean was watching television, but his attention turned immediately to the archangel when he walked in. “Is Sam okay?” he asked worriedly. 

Gabriel snorted. “That’s debatable. He thinks it’s his fault I died and apparently the guilt has been bothering him.”

“But he’s okay?” Dean asked. He too knew what guilt could do to a person and knowing the problem didn’t mean he was okay. 

“I don’t know,” Gabriel said with a sigh. “I told him it wasn’t his fault. Hopefully when he’s calmer I can actually get him to believe it.” 

Dean nodded, glad that Gabriel would do so. He knew that Sam did carry at least some of the blame. Just like he did, but Gabriel was the only one who would be able to convince him otherwise. Dean was dealing with his part of the guilt. Just like he always did. Sam apparently wasn’t dealing as well, but Dean had no idea why. It wasn’t like Gabriel was the only person who had died because of them. Sam had been fine when Kevin’s ghost visited. He’d been fine when they were talking to Bobby in heaven. He had no idea what made this one different, but he supposed that feelings weren’t supposed to be rational and just left it at that. 

Sam sat in his room turning things over his mind. Gabriel was here because he needed to be. He wouldn’t be leaving just because Sam lost it on him. It was embarrassing, yes, but he could just pretend it never happened and he was sure that Gabriel would too. He would go out there and act normally if it killed him. He’d been able to fool Dean all this time, he was sure he could fool Gabriel too. It was just the surprise of it all that made him lose. That’s all it was. He would be fine now. By the time he had collected himself it was almost lunchtime so he made his way into the kitchen to find Gabriel once again cooking. “What’s for lunch?” Sam asked. 

“Cube steak with mashed potatoes and an apple pie or chocolate cake for desert,” Gabriel told him watching him carefully even as he pulled the skillet off the stove. He knew there was something going on with Sam and he was going to figure it out if it killed him. 

Sam did his best to stay normal in the face of Gabriel’s scrutiny and thankfully his attention was drawn elsewhere when Dean came in and a few minutes later the food was on the table and both hunters were digging in as Gabriel popped the pie in the oven and pulled his own cake out, cutting a large slice and bringing it over to the table. Sam seemed perfectly normal on the surface, like everything from before had just evaporated, and Gabriel could tell that Dean was fooled, but he wasn’t. Not for a second. Sam was putting on a good show, but that’s all it was. A show. Seeing Dean’s obliviousness, he suddenly wasn’t sure it was all caused by his arrival either. Who knew how long it had been going on.


	4. Chapter 4

Sam could feel Gabriel’s eyes on him the rest of the day and that just made the hunter more determined to prove that he was fine. When Gabriel claimed the room next to Sam’s, he was very glad that the rooms were soundproofed. The last thing he needed was Gabriel hearing his night terrors and he was sure they would be even worse than ever tonight. Sam was able to hold himself together and keep his game face on until it was a reasonable hour to go to bed, said his goodnights and made his way there. 

Gabriel followed shortly after. Little did Sam know that soundproofing did little against an archangel. He hoped to get some more insight into just how deep this thing went with Sam tonight. He grabbed a book from the library and settled in. He could sleep, and often did, enjoying being in a dream state, but he didn’t actually NEED sleep so he had every intention of keeping watch tonight. Or keeping listen as the case may be. He left his door open so that if Sam got up he could conceivably hear him and go talk to him. He had no intention of letting on that he could hear through the soundproofing. Sam was obviously very invested in hiding his issues and Gabriel wanted to get a better idea of what he was dealing with before he let on that he wasn’t fooled and risk Sam going even deeper into hiding. 

Gabriel heard Sam wake up screaming a few times during the night but he never left the room, but he did pace around it for a while afterwards before going back to sleep. So it was a little deeper than just feeling guilty. Gabriel’s suspicions had been confirmed. As he was getting ready to head out to make breakfast the next morning he noticed something that he had missed last night. There was a rather large spot of blood on the back of his jacket. He furrowed his brow as he tried to consider where it could have come from. His eyes widened as he remembered that Sam had hugged him as he fell apart. It had to have come from Sam, but the hunter hadn’t mentioned being hurt and Dean had mentioned that they hadn’t been on a hunt in a couple weeks and just like that everything slotted into place. 

Gabriel’s intention of getting more information and getting through to Sam gently flew right out of his head as he stormed into the hunter’s room just as Sam was getting out of bed, and if he needed any more proof, the fact that he was wearing a sweatshirt to bed in the temperature controlled bunker was the last glaring clue. Sam opened his mouth, presumably to say something about the archangel’s rude entrance, but before he could Gabriel said, trying to force calm, “Let me see your arms, Sam.”

Sam instinctively started pulling at his sleeves trying to hide what was already hidden. “What do you mean?” he asked trying not to betray his alarm.

“We can do this the easy way or the hard way. Let. Me. See. Your. Arms,” Gabriel said through gritted teeth. 

“No,” Sam said firmly backing away from the angry archangel, but Gabriel just pinned him against the wall with his powers and walked over and yanked his sleeve down seeing the myriad of scars and still seeping cuts covering every inch of Sam’s arms. This had obviously been going on for a very long time. “Gabriel…I...I can explain…” Sam said weakly even as Gabriel was reaching for his other arm. 

“Like hell you can,” Gabriel snarled. “How long?” 

“It’s not…”

“How. Long.”

“Since…since you died,” Sam said quietly, looking anywhere but at the archangel. 

“Ten years…ten years you’ve been doing this to yourself and no one noticed?!” They were both so wrapped up in their argument that neither of them noticed Dean standing in the doorway with a look of horror on his face. 

“It’s none of anyone’s business,” Sam said defensively. “It’s not hurting anyone.”

“It’s hurting you, you moron!” Gabriel snapped. 

“So what?” Sam snapped back. “It’s no less than I deserve!” 

“For what?!” Gabriel yelled. 

“For getting you killed!” Sam yelled back as his eyes stung with tears. 

“You stupid…” Gabriel snarled and Dean decided that he needed to step in here. He completely agreed with Gabriel but all he was doing was making things worse right now. 

“Gabriel!” Dean said harshly yanking the archangel back by his shoulder and cutting off his no doubt scathing comment. “Go take a walk,” he ordered. Gabriel could see the wisdom in Dean’s intervention so he just nodded tersely at the hunter and turned and stormed out.

Sam sagged a little as he was released from the archangel’s spell and had control of his body again, quickly pulling his sleeves down. “Dean…”

“No. You don’t get to try and explain this away. Ten years, Sam. Ten years you have been lying to me. You have been hiding things from me. You have been pretending to be okay when you’re obviously not. Gabriel was here for a day and a half and he saw what I’ve missed for ten fucking years! Do you have any idea how that feels, Sam? To know how badly I’ve failed you? To know that you needed me and couldn’t even come to me with this? Why, Sam? Why hide it? Why not just let me help you?” Dean asked heartbrokenly. 

“Because you wouldn’t understand okay!” Sam snapped. 

“Screw that,” Dean said dismissively. “Who cares if I understand? It doesn’t mean I can’t be there for you. It doesn’t mean I can’t help you. It doesn’t mean you can’t make me understand.” 

“I don’t want you to understand. I don’t need your help. I don’t want your help. This is my penance to make. Alone,” Sam said firmly, glaring at his brother. 

“At least answer me this. Why Gabriel? Why is it his death that haunts you so much out of everyone’s? Why was it his death that started all this?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Sam said swallowing around the lump in his throat. 

“Yes. It does,” Dean said. “Haven’t we had enough lies between us, Sammy? Just tell me why and I’ll drop it.”

“Because I love him okay,” Sam snapped as he hung his head and fell to sitting on his bed. 

Gabriel had been coming back after a circuit of the building and a few calming exercises to apologize to Sam for how harsh he had been when he heard Dean ask him why and Gabriel couldn’t help but want to know the answer to that himself. Of everything Sam could feel guilty for, the apocalypse itself, Amara, a thousand other things far more consequential to his own life and it seemed like everything rested on Gabriel’s death and that still didn’t make sense to him. Not until he heard Sam say that he loved him and Gabriel sucked in a sharp breath and turned and went the other way. 

“Does he know?” Dean asked blinking in shock. That definitely explained things. He’d seen how bad Sam had spiraled after Jessica and he had far less to do with her death than Gabriel’s. Dean had known then though. This time he hadn’t. He hadn’t been there for Sam because he didn’t know he needed to be. 

“Of course not. And he’s never going to,” Sam said firmly leaving no room for argument. 

“Sam…” Dean said wearily.

“No. I mean it Dean. Don’t you dare say a word.” 

Dean sighed. “Okay, Sammy. I won’t.”

“Swear to me, Dean.”

“I swear,” Dean said with a huff. Gabriel needed to know. He needed to know before he unintentionally made things worse at least. Unlike his brother he thought there was at least a chance that the archangel could return his feelings, but Sam wasn’t going to let this go and Dean wouldn’t break his word. Not unless it was a last resort.


	5. Chapter 5

Gabriel headed back for the living room, intending to pretend that he’d never heard that. He knew that the worst thing he could possibly do is let Sam know that he had. This was worse than he’d thought. It would need to be handled delicately. He wished he had known. He wished that Sam had something back at the beginning. Before all this. Gabriel felt his own tears stinging his eyes and angrily wiped them away. Now Sam would never believe that Gabriel wasn’t just trying to fix him. Even if he never knew Gabriel had heard, he would assume that Dean told him, and Gabriel didn’t know how to fix this. 

He knew he wasn’t going to figure it out just sitting here and went to the kitchen. Cooking always helped him think and it just so happened that no one had any breakfast yet so it worked out. By the time he was putting the food on the table, he had the beginnings of a plan worked out. He had to lead Sam to the conclusion that he had loved the stubborn hunter all along, and he could make some inroads into alleviating at least some of the hunter’s guilt in the process. Once everything was ready he headed to the end of Sam’s hallway. He wasn’t going to go near the door and risk them talking about something he wasn’t supposed to hear so he just yelled from the end of the hall, “Breakfast!”

It wasn’t long before both hunters were sitting down to eat and as Gabriel had expected it was a rather stilted breakfast. Once they were finished eating, Gabriel got up and said, “Come with me, Sam.” Dean gave him a pointed look, warning him off losing his temper like he had before and Gabriel nodded at him to let him know he was good now. Sam just crossed his arms and refused to budge. “Easy way or hard way, Sam,” Gabriel said lightly making it clear that no wasn’t an acceptable answer. 

Sam had already gotten one example of the hard way that morning and didn’t particularly want another so he just huffed as he got up and followed the archangel to the library. “Sit,” Gabriel said firmly and Sam did so, glaring all the while. 

“I’m not talking about this,” Sam said firmly. 

“Fine. Then listen and listen good. You. Did. Not. Get. Me. Killed. Period. End of story. Every step along that path was taken by me, knowing full well the risks. MY choices. Not yours.” Sam opened his mouth to say something but Gabriel cut him off. “Uh-uh. I’m not done yet. It was my curiosity that put me in your path back in Ohio. Mine. I knew exactly who you were and what you were destined to do. I CHOSE to get involved. I wanted…no I NEEDED to try to save you from that fate. That was MY choice. You’re right you didn’t listen. You weren’t supposed to listen. Destiny is persistent that way. More than that, I gave you no reason to listen. As far as you were concerned I was just some monster that was killing your brother over and over again. I could have handled that better. Given you more information. Hell, just telling you what I was might have done the trick. I had my reasons for not doing so, but how can I blame you…how can YOU blame you for not listening?”

“Gabriel…” Sam had silent tears running down his face. 

“Nope. Still not done yet,” Gabriel interrupted again. “If it was anyone else in that hotel, Sam. Anyone else, my first thought would have been to release those people from the freezer myself. I don’t blame you for that and that is not what got my caught. Kali knew before they caught you that I wasn’t what I appeared. I was lured there just as surely as you were. She was always intending to out me. And when Lucifer attacked, I didn’t have to get involved. I could have waited for him to kill Kali and release me from the spell and then left. I KNEW that going in there would be my death and it was MY choice. It wasn’t because anyone pushed me into it. It had nothing to do with any guilt trips you or your brother laid on me. I’m not so easily manipulated and it’s insulting to think that I am. You really think you’re the first people to try and guilt me into things? Please. I made the choice of my own free will and I don’t regret it. You don’t get to take the blame for my choices, Sam, so stop trying to.”

“If I hadn’t been in that hotel, would you have come to face Lucifer?” Sam asked pointedly around his tears.

“Did you walk in there to summon Lucifer?” Gabriel countered. 

“No, but I was about to. I was about to let them remove the warding and summon him. He just beat me to the punch,” Sam said. 

“Exactly. He would have been there regardless of anything you did. It. Was. Not. Your. Fault,” Gabriel said sternly.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Sam said. 

“Because the answer doesn’t matter. Regardless of the reason I made the decision it was still mine to make,” Gabriel told him. 

Sam’s breath hitched. “I…I just…left. I just left you there. I walked away and let you die,” Sam said. “That was MY choice.”

“Oh, Sammy. You staying wouldn’t have changed my fate. If anything it would have made it worse. There was literally nothing you could have done to help me. I gave you the way to help me. To avenge me. To put Lucifer back in the hole and make my death mean something and you did it,” Gabriel said softly reaching over to put a hand on Sam’s shoulder against his neck and he couldn’t resist running his thumb over the hunter’s jaw. “You succeeded at the impossible task I left you against all odds. If you had stayed…my death would have meant nothing. You gave it a purpose. Don’t shoulder any blame. Accept my THANKS, because THAT is what you deserve.” 

“Gabriel…I…I just…I can’t…” Sam knew that Gabriel was making sense logically, but it didn’t feel that way. It still felt like his fault. It still hurt. 

It was time to pull out the big guns. “Sam, you’re right that I wouldn’t have been there without you. You’re the one I went in there to save. Do you really think I sacrificed myself so that you could feel like this? So that you could go and do this to yourself?” he asked raising one of Sam’s arms. “I’m the one who should feel guilty. My choices led you to this.”

“Gabriel, no,” Sam said with a gasp snapping his head up to look wide-eyed at the archangel. “This…it isn’t your fault. It’s…it’s all me.”

“Just like my death was all me,” Gabriel told him. 

“I…I wasn’t worth it Gabriel. I wasn’t worth your life,” Sam said brokenly.

Gabriel knew they were getting down to the real crux of the matter now. This was where everything was stemming from. “Of course you were, Sammy. You’re worth a hell of a lot more than that.”

“No. I…I drank demon blood. I released Lucifer. I…I slept with a demon. I’m not worth anyone’s life. Especially not yours.”

“You have no idea just how special you are, Sam. You weren’t supposed to be like this you know. Everything in your life was engineered to make you just like Lucifer. Cold and cruel and heartless, but you didn’t let it. You took everything that both heaven and hell threw at you and came out the other side a better person. They HAD to get you hooked on demon blood. They HAD to drug you to get you to do what they wanted, because you had resisted all other methods. You were manipulated at every turn and you resisted a thousand manipulations and you blame yourself for the ONE that slipped through? No one is perfect Sam. And then to top that off, you somehow managed to rewrite destiny. You did the impossible. You succeeded where I failed. You bested both heaven and hell. You rewrote GOD’S plan. How can you not see how worthy you are?” 

To say that Gabriel was shocked when Sam kissed him was an understatement. All of Gabriel’s careful plans went up in smoke, but the hell if he cared. He melted into the kiss, moving his hand from Sam’s neck to his cheek as his breath caught and in that moment nothing else mattered, but it was over too fast. The next thing he knew, Sam wrenched himself away, wide-eyed babbling apologies as he scrambled to get up. Gabriel grabbed his wrist before he got far. “Sam, don’t,” he said in a pleading tone. “Don’t run. Please.” Sam stopped moving but he still looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Gabriel stepped towards him again and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “You need time to think. To process all this. I know that, but don’t run away from it. From me.”

“O-okay,” Sam said as he slowly relaxed. 

“And please Sam. Please promise me that you won’t hurt yourself again,” Gabriel begged.

“I…I don’t…”

“Just one day, Sam. Just twenty-four hours. Let’s just start there okay. Just promise me you won’t hurt yourself for one day.” Gabriel, of course, had the power to prevent Sam from doing so in a hundred different ways, but that wouldn’t solve anything. It had to be Sam’s choice. 

“I…I can do that. I…I promise,” Sam said shakily. 

“Thank you,” Gabriel said, squeezing the hunter’s hand before he let him go and watched Sam head back to his room. They still had a long way to go, but the first hurdle was cleared. The biggest hurdle. Everything wouldn’t be okay overnight, but they would get there in time. Gabriel would make sure of it.


	6. Chapter 6

Gabriel decided he would give Sam the morning. He would let him sit alone in his room until lunch before he started prodding him to come out and interact. He just desperately hoped that those kisses hadn’t set them back. That they wouldn’t send Sam back into his shell. Gabriel pinched the bridge of his nose. He was so not qualified for this. Sam needed help. More help than he could give. The trick was keeping Sam in one piece long enough to convince him of that. 

Not long after Sam left, Dean came in. “Are you sure he should be alone right now?” Dean asked worriedly. Obviously Gabriel was better at all this than Dean was…when he didn’t let his temper get the best of him at least, so he would follow the archangel’s lead. 

“Trust me, Deano. Hovering over him all the time will just make things worse. I got a promise from him not to hurt himself for twenty four hours and we need to extend him that trust. We’ll take it one day at a time,” Gabriel told him. 

“But you healed him though?” Dean asked.

“Nope. Healing him will just make him anxious and want to replace everything I took away. Even once he’s well, some people like to keep the scars as a reminder and a warning.”

“You seem to know a lot about this,” Dean asked narrowing his eyes thoughtfully. Gabriel gave a heavy sigh and shucked his jacket off before rolling up his own sleeves and then lifting his shirt showing the telltale myriad of scars over his arms and stomach. “That’s how you figured it out so quick,” Dean said softly. 

“We all have our demons,” Gabriel said pulling his sleeves back down and replacing his jacket. 

“Sam should know,” Dean told him, hoping he wouldn’t be asked to keep yet another secret between the two. 

“He will. When we get there,” Gabriel assured him. He had no intention of keeping it from Sam once they started talking about what he was doing to himself. Sam needed to know that he wasn’t alone, and most importantly, he needed to know that getting help wasn’t something to be ashamed of. 

 

Sam went to his room and just thought about everything Gabriel had said, but the main thing that kept turning over in his head was Gabriel’s speech about how Sam was worthy and then that kiss. Sam had no idea why he kissed the archangel. It was just that hearing all that and the way Gabriel said it…he didn’t know what came over him. It was stupid and Gabriel was probably having a good laugh at his expense now. His hands started to twitch for the blade, but he just wrung them together to try and make them stop. It didn’t matter how many manipulations he avoided. The one he fell for was the worst. It didn’t change the fact that he had been, and still was in some ways, addicted to demon blood. It had never gone away completely and it probably never would. He was tainted. He could almost accept that Lucifer wasn’t his fault. He could almost accept the whole idea that he had avoided all those manipulations and only fell for one. Almost. None of that changed the taint he would always feel though. He would always be the boy with the demon blood. He would never be good enough for Gabriel. For an archangel, and all this just proved that fact even more. He never should have kissed him. 

Gabriel had said not to run though. Gabriel had said not to run from HIM. Gabriel had kissed him too. Sam immediately put that out of his head. It didn’t mean anything. It couldn’t have. He had let on what he wanted and Gabriel just wanted to help him. That’s all it was. Sam remembered how Gabriel had said that he couldn’t let Sam go through the apocalypse and how he said that he came to that hotel to get Sam out, but the hunter reasoned that the archangel had just been trying to relate as much of the story as possible to him since it was his issues they were dealing with. He wanted to stop the apocalypse to keep his family from fighting. That was all. He had made that perfectly clear after tv land. This was just him trying to relate to Sam. To get through to him and Sam forced himself to remember that. One good thing about that conversation, Sam had managed to let go of at least some of his guilt. At least on the surface. It was too engrained in him for too long for it to be able to really go away. It was as much part of him as anything else now, but Gabriel had made sense. 

Sam was pulled from his thoughts by a knock on the door. “Lunchtime,” Gabriel said from the other side, not opening the door and Sam was surprised. He was surprised that Gabriel didn’t just barge in unannounced to make sure that wasn’t breaking his promise. He had assumed with the revelations of the morning that he had basically forfeited all rights to privacy, but it seemed that wasn’t the case. Was Gabriel actually trusting him to keep his word? Forget Gabriel, he couldn’t believe that Dean was trusting him to even be alone for five minutes much less hours. Unless he’d just decided that Sam was too much trouble. Maybe he’d decided to wash his hands of him again. It would serve him right. Dean should have done that a long time ago. 

Sam sighed and got up, heading for the kitchen. All he could do was wait and see what the fallout of all this was going to be. When he walked in, he was met with a warm smile by Gabriel who just motioned for the table and Sam sat without a word, but raised his eyebrows at the line of cakes and pies lining the counter. Gabriel gave a sheepish shrug. “Cooking relaxes me,” he told him. 

“No way can we eat all that,” Sam said as he dug into his chicken alfredo. 

“Don’t underestimate me, Samsquatch,” Gabriel said with a smirk and a wink as he sat down at the table with an entire cake as if to prove his point. 

They had an amicable meal and Sam was more confused than ever at how normal everyone was acting around him. It was almost like everything was forgotten. He didn’t know whether to be grateful or hurt. He didn’t have to worry about it too long because when they finished eating Dean followed him out and pulled him into the living room. “You know I’m not good at all this talking stuff, but you need to know that I’m here. Just tell me what you need and you got it. Gabriel told me about the promise you made him and he told me that I should trust you to keep it so I’m trying to, but seriously Sam. I need to know that you know I’m here and you can talk to me. Even if I’m not so good at. I’m trying.”

Sam swallowed around the lump in his throat and nodded. “Thanks, Dean.”

“So what do you need from me?” he asked. 

“Just…don’t treat me like a leper. Be…you. Normal,” Sam told him. Now that he knew that it wasn’t a matter of not caring or forgetting, he just wanted things to go back to normal. As much as they could. 

“Ok. I can do that. As long as you promise not to keep things from me anymore. I don’t care if you fall off the wagon…well, no, I do care, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know. I won’t hold it against you as long as you just tell me. Deal?” 

“I…I’ll try,” Sam said quietly. 

“Good enough,” Dean said clapping his brother on the shoulder. “Come on. Let’s watch a movie. I’ll even let you pick.”

“Yeah, okay,” Sam said with a smile. 

 

Once Sam and Dean headed out, Gabriel frowned. It seemed that Sam was pretending that kiss had never happened and Gabriel wasn’t sure if he should bring it up or not. Was Sam ignoring it part of a bigger issue or was he just not ready to go there yet? Gabriel remembered his original plan of not talking to Sam about their feelings for each other until he was a little more stable and preferably had figured it out for himself and he wasn’t sure if that kiss should change things or not. He had been afraid in the beginning of Sam thinking that he was just humoring him in an effort to fix him and he wondered if that’s what he was thinking now. He had already decided that he wasn’t going to have another big talk with Sam today. He would wait until tomorrow. Give today’s time to settle first. He would consider bringing it up then.


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning, both hunters followed their noses to the kitchen for what was becoming their signature breakfast. “You keep cooking like this, I might not let you leave,” Dean said with a chuckle once he was awake halfway through his breakfast and his cup of coffee. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten so well so consistently. He didn’t think it had ever happened come to think of it. 

Gabriel chuckled as he ruffled Dean’s hair. “Aww so cute. You think you can keep me prisoner,” he teased. 

“Don’t tempt me. I’m sure I can find a way,” Dean joked back. 

“If anyone could it would be a Winchester,” Gabriel said with a barking laugh. Then he said, mostly for Sam’s benefit. “Seriously though, if you guys want me to stick around, I can. Probably not twenty four seven like this, but I don’t have to disappear again.”

“You don’t have to,” Sam said quickly. He didn’t want Gabriel to stick around for his sake, and he wasn’t really sure if he wanted Gabriel to stick around at all to be honest. Having him here was nice in a way, but it made everything so much harder having to see him all the time, having to fall deeper and deeper every day. He didn’t know how he would cope. 

“Of course I don’t HAVE to, but I don’t mind it. It’s kinda nice having people around who appreciate my cooking,” Gabriel said with a shrug trying to make it about him so that Sam wouldn’t feel like he was just staying for his sake. 

“Well why didn’t you ever come around before then?” Dean asked. He definitely wouldn’t have minded some cooking like this more often. 

“Last I knew, you knuckleheads didn’t like me and barely tolerated me. I assumed Cassie told you I was back alive again and you would have prayed to me if that changed or you wanted me around,” Gabriel said with a shrug. 

“So, what…you stayed away because you thought we didn’t like you?” Sam asked. 

“Well…yeah.” Truth was, seeing Sam look at him with hate and distaste hurt him far more than he ever wanted to admit and that was why he decided to make himself scarce. 

“Well now you know better,” Dean said around the food in his mouth, not wanting to put Sam in the spot of responding to that given what he was trying so hard to hide from the archangel. 

“I guess I do,” Gabriel said with a slight smile. “Speaking of Cassie though. Where’s he been? I thought he was glued to you.”

Dean gripped his fork so hard it nearly bent as his jaw clenched and Sam winced. Gabriel suddenly wished he hadn’t asked. It seemed he had stepped on a land mine. “He’s gone. Back to heaven. Now that they like him again he’s back in charge and can’t spare any time for us lowly humans.”

“Oh,” Gabriel said carefully. He wasn’t sure what else to say to that. There was obviously more to the story, but he wasn’t about to go there. He was sure he would get it eventually, and it didn’t really matter to him much either way. It was just a curiosity. 

Once breakfast was over, Gabriel called Sam with him again, heading to the library, figuring that was the place Sam was most comfortable other than his room. Sam sighed and got up to follow him, not daring to hope that he was being pulled aside to ask about Cas. He did decide to give Gabriel the whole story though. As much of it as he knew. He had noticed the archangel’s curiosity and maybe it would distract him from Sam’s issues. Once they were in the library, Sam sat without being told and said, “You probably shouldn’t bring up Cas too much. Dean is pretty bitter that he went running back to heaven after the way they treated him and then when I almost died on a hunt a few years ago and Cas didn’t even bother coming to heal me after Dean prayed himself hoarse, it’s been kind of a sore subject. I was still unconscious at the time, but apparently Cas came down a few days later and gave Dean some speech about how he had more important things to do than worry about healing us every time we got ourselves hurt. I’m sure it wasn’t said so bluntly and there was much more detail knowing Cas, but that’s what Dean got out of it. He did heal me before he left, but he made it clear that he wasn’t going to be at our beck and call anymore.”

“Geez. Talk about loyalty,” Gabriel said rolling his eyes. He wasn’t surprised though. Cassie was the best of them, but he was still an angel and self-absorbed crap like that was part of why he refused to ever go back. “So how are you, Sam?” Gabriel switched gears. 

“I’m fine,” Sam said with a sigh, realizing his attempt to side-track the archangel didn’t work. 

“Gonna need more than that, kiddo. How did you do with the whole not hurting yourself promise?” Gabriel asked gently. 

“I said I wouldn’t and I didn’t,” Sam said defensively. 

Gabriel held his hands up in surrender. “That’s not what I meant, Sam. I know you always keep your word. I’m asking how hard it was.”

Sam deflated at that. “It was…hard. I…I wanted to…but…”

Gabriel could see that Sam was having trouble getting the words out so he tried more leading questions. “What in particular made you want to? What are your triggers?” he asked. 

“I…” Sam trailed off. Thinking that he wasn’t good enough for Gabriel was a big one but he could hardly tell the archangel that. The fact that he had been stupid enough to kiss him. The fact that Dean was now hurting because of him and Gabriel was worried and trying so hard to fix him. The fact that Gabriel was here at all, just rubbing everything he could never have in his face. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Gabriel sighed. He’d been afraid of that. As long as this barrier was between them, Sam wouldn’t open up to him. Not really. Trying to take the barrier down right now was likely to do more harm than good and just close Sam up even more. “Okay. Fair enough. But if you don’t want to talk to me, will you at least talk to someone?” 

“What? Like Dean?” Sam scoffed. 

“No. I mean like a professional. Someone qualified to help you through this,” Gabriel said carefully. 

“You mean a shrink? You think I’m crazy? I’m not crazy!” Sam said getting himself all worked up over the idea. 

“Hey now. Take a chill pill. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy. Even the best of us need help dealing sometimes,” Gabriel said placatingly. He was going about this the wrong way. If he wanted Sam to open up…to him or anyone else…then Gabriel had to open up to him. He stood and started removing his jacket as Sam watched him with wide eyes, wondering what he was doing and why. When Gabriel’s sleeve rolled up and Sam caught sight of the raised scars crisscrossing on his arms he gasped, but Gabriel wasn’t done yet. Once he had both sleeves rolled all the way up, he lifted his shirt showing Sam the same mass of scars on his stomach. “We all need help, sometimes,” he said before hastily fixing his clothing and sitting back down, leaving the jacket off for now, despite how exposed it made him feel. 

“But…why…how…” Sam stammered. 

“The how is easy. As an archangel, I carry the only weapon in existence capable of harming me. The why…that’s a long story, but I’ll tell you if you want to hear it,” Gabriel offered. Sam just nodded, trying to wrap his head around the idea of Gabriel feeling anything like the way he did. “I was the youngest archangel…and the weakest. Not in grace, of course, or power. We were all equal there, but you know the angels are an army. I was never a fighter like my brothers. I hated it and I wasn’t nearly as good at it. I just wanted everyone to be happy and have fun. Michael and Lucifer. They were the best of friends. Inseparable even, and they were in charge of our training. Michael pushed me hard. Too hard. He thought the only way to get rid of my weakness was to force it out of me, but Lucifer stuck up for me. He was more gentle. He took more time to explain and didn’t bark at me when I messed up. Over time Michael got harder and harder on me to the point where I would end our training sessions in pretty bad shape and he and Lucifer started fighting over it all the time. I was the cause for their rift and when Michael cast Lucifer out, I blamed myself. Being cut off from heaven is…well it’s terrible. And I’m not talking about like when Cassie was falling. I mean completely cut off from all the light and warmth that heaven offers and for the lightbringer…well it was a fate worse than death and he went mad. He decided that if he was being cut off from his family he would make a new one and he started twisting human souls so that heaven could never take them from him.

I wasn’t the only one that blamed me though. Michael and Raphael did too and things became unbearable for me up there and when Lucifer was cast into the cage and I was nearly killed in one of our training sessions I knew I had to go. I faked my death and ran, knowing that my own weakness destroyed my family. That’s when it started for me. It got worse though as I took on the role of a pagan god. It was the only thing strong enough to hide my archangel side, but I was under a great deal of scrutiny for a while. The things that I had to do to survive…to keep up the charade…it just made that guilt even worse and it was eating me alive. I knew that I had to do penance for it and I did. The only way I knew how.”

“But…what changed…how did you…” Sam asked the question he really needed to know. 

Gabriel stood and lifted his shirt again. “You see this scar here?” he pointed to one that was more pronounced than the rest and Sam nodded. “I went too deep. I nearly died. I was laid up recovering for three months and even then I couldn’t stop, so I got help.”

“Help?” Sam asked looking for confirmation. 

“There was no psychiatry back then like there is today, but there was a god, Asklepios, that specialized in those types of issues.” Gabriel carefully avoided the words ‘mental illness’ knowing the negative connotations those held these days. “He was the only one I ever told of my true nature and he carried it to his grave. He helped me for more than a thousand years before his death and by the time he was gone, the idea of psychiatry had hit humanity so I found one that I could trust to know everything and have been seeing him ever since. Of course, he’s long dead, but I bring him back whenever I need to talk to him.” 

“So…even now…after all this time…” 

“It’s not as hard as it used to be. It does get easier, and I don’t need him often, but there are times when everything hits me again and I reach out because I never want to go there again. I never want to end up in that place again. And I never want to see you in that place either Sammy, so please. If you don’t want to talk to me…talk to someone. Let someone help you.”


	8. Chapter 8

He had to admit that Gabriel’s entreaty was definitely working on him. He still couldn’t believe that the archangel had been where he was. He had a hundred questions about his past that were raised but there was no way he wanted to be the cause of a relapse if he pressed Gabriel on the matter so he turned to just considering what it meant. If even an archangel could get help, why couldn’t he. Except… “If I tried to tell any shrink today about the supernatural world I would be locked up in a second.”

“Well I would be happy to ease your way, but I know they probably wouldn’t be much good to you while they got over the shock of it, but we could always find someone sturdy enough to process quickly. Or you could always use my guy if you want. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. He seems to enjoy his little breaks from heaven. He likes helping people and there isn’t much use for psychiatry up there.”

“I don’t know…” Sam said nervously. 

Gabriel could see what the problem was and rushed to reassure him. “He takes confidentiality very seriously Sam. He would never tell me or anyone else anything you tell him without your express permission and I would never try to make him. I would never even ask. You have my word.”

“Um…who is ‘your guy’?” Sam asked. 

“Dr. Benjamin Rush. Feel free to look him up. I started seeing him around 1805. He’s really good. You know I would’ve moved on if he wasn’t. Hell I make the effort to pull him out of heaven when I need to so you know he’s the best.”

“Doesn’t that put you in danger of being found? Pulling souls out of heaven?” Sam asked worriedly. 

“Nah. The angels pay little attention to the souls up there and even when they do it’s always the more important ones. Popes…the few that make it in at least, Ghandi, Mother Teresa, people like that. They have no interest in some random psychiatrist from the 1800s.”

“I…I’ll think about it,” Sam promised. 

“Good. Thank you, Sam,” Gabriel said putting a hand on the hunter’s shoulder. “Now, you know what I’m going to ask you next right?” 

Sam looked down. “You want another promise,” Sam said nervously, wringing his hands. 

“I do,” Gabriel said squeezing his shoulder in a gesture of support. 

“Twenty four hours again?” Sam asked biting his lip. Gabriel nodded. “I…I can do that. I…I promise.” He hoped he could do that. 

“Thank you, Sam. And if you’re struggling, I’m here, or Dean is, or I can bring Dr. Rush in, or anyone really. Don’t think you have to fight alone,” Gabriel assured him, moving his hand up to cup the hunter’s cheek, smiling slightly as Sam instinctively leaned into it. 

“O-okay. Thanks,” Sam said returning the slight smile before getting up and walking over to the bookshelves, making it clear that he was done talking, but had no intention of vacating the library. Sam was honestly a little wary of old psychiatrists, even more than current psychiatrists. He’d heard enough stories of old mental aslyums and lobotomies and so on to make him pretty nervous, so it was with a little trepidation that he looked up Benjamin Rush and found himself pleasantly surprised. Not only was he one of the founding fathers of America, but he was completely against inhumane practices. Some of the ones that he was for didn’t exactly sound pleasant…or effective…but presumably he had learned better since then. He must have if Gabriel sung his praises so much. Now that he knew that he wouldn’t be putting himself in the hands of a mad scientist, he felt a little more comfortable considering the idea.

In mid-afternoon, Sam walked into the living room to see Gabriel and Dean sitting on the couch playing video games. They were bickering good-naturedly, accusing each other of cheating and trying to mess each other up as they laughed and Sam felt his chest tightening again. He could never have that easy camaraderie with the archangel. Sam was just the thing to be fixed. Dean was the friend. Dean was the one Gabriel actually had fun with. Sam was just a job. An obligation. To both of them. It wasn’t until he reached into his pocket for a blade that wasn’t there that he realized how bad off he was right now. Part of him wanted nothing more than to run to his room and get one, but he had made a promise to Gabriel. “G-Gabriel,” Sam said quiet and shaky and the archangel’s head snapped around to look at him and when seeing the state Sam was in he dropped his controller, ignoring the voice on the screen telling him that he lost as he walked over to Sam. He could tell that Sam wasn’t comfortable talking in front of Dean right now so he pulled him out into the hallway. “I…I think…maybe you could…um…get Dr. Rush…” Sam stammered. 

“Absolutely. I’ll introduce you and then I’ll leave you to it,” Gabriel told him leading him to the hallway which now held a new door. They walked through it and found a very nice luxurious psychiatrist office. “Benji! How’s heaven treating you these days?” he said cheerfully. 

“Not bad. Boring as usual. How are YOU Gabriel?” the doctor asked. 

“I’m okay. We can talk later. Right now I wanted to ask if you would be so kind as to help my friend, Sam here,” Gabriel said pulling the shaking hunter out from behind him where he was actually trying to hide. 

“Of course. I would be happy to help,” he said. 

“Well I’ll just leave you to it then,” Gabriel said before turning to Sam and saying, “When you’re done, go back through that door and you’ll be back in the bunker.”

“T-thanks, Gabriel,” Sam stuttered nervously. 

“Anytime, Samsquatch. Really,” Gabriel said sincerely as he headed back out the door. 

Once he was gone, the doctor turned to Sam. “Why don’t you have a seat, Sam. You can call me Ben or Benjamin or Dr. Rush, but please not Benji,” he said with a laugh pulling one from Sam too as the hunter relaxed a fraction. 

 

It was four hours later and Dean and Gabriel were eating dinner when Sam came in, looking far better than he had when he left and neither of them said a word about his puffy eyes. “Your plate’s on the counter. I kept it warm for you,” Gabriel told him as he got up, covering his cake for now. He would come back for it later. 

“Are you going to…” Sam trailed off. 

“I’m going to talk to him yes, but not about anything you and he talked about. I’m going to talk to him about me,” Gabriel told him. 

Sam knew that probably meant that Gabriel had been struggling with his issues too and he knew why. “Because of me,” Sam said guiltily looking at the floor. 

“No, Sam. Because of ME,” he said pointedly, putting a hand on Sam’s shoulder and squeezing it reassuringly as he headed out. 

 

Gabriel walked back into the makeshift office and plopped down on the couch after putting a plate of food on the desk for the doctor as he usually did during these visits. “How are you REALLY, Gabriel?” the doctor asked. 

“Not as well as I’d like to be,” Gabriel admitted. 

“I would imagine this situation with your friend is opening some rather difficult wounds,” he said sympathetically. 

“You don’t know the half of it. I’m not going to ask what all he told you about what brought us here, so sorry if I’m rehashing stuff you’ve already heard,” Gabriel started. 

“I still want to hear from your point of view.”

“Right. Of course. Well long story short, I died about ten years ago. I sacrificed myself so that Sam could escape from Lucifer. Now I don’t regret it. I would do it again if I had to, but I never realized that it would hit Sam so hard. At the time I thought he hated me, or at the very least barely tolerated me. When I found out that it was his guilt over my death that led him to this…well…let’s just say we’re caught in a very nice little circle of guilt. I feel guilty for dying on him like that and for not letting him know when I was resurrected five years ago and then he feels more guilty for making me feel guilty and so on.”

“I see,” the doctor said knowingly. “And have you told Sam that you’re in love with him?” 

“No. I…I wasn’t sure if I should. If it would make things worse. He would think that I was just trying to make him feel better. To fix him or something,” Gabriel said sadly. 

“He may, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell him. If it takes time to make him believe then so be it, but these things are always better in the open,” the doctor advised. 

“Yeah, okay. I just…I worried that it may cause a setback.”

“You are still taking the problems of the world on your shoulders I see.”

Gabriel snorted a laugh. “You have no idea, doc.” Gabriel launched into the whole story of the apocalypse from his point of view right up until Lucifer killed him, which they spent a great deal of time on, both him sacrificing himself for Sam and the fact that it was Lucifer, his protector, that killed him. It was late by the time Gabriel headed back to the bunker and both hunters were already sleeping. Gabriel was back to weekly appointments for the time being, but the doctor would already be there anyway. The only thing he told Gabriel about his conversation with Sam was that he wanted to see him daily for a while and he only told him that much because Gabriel would have to bring him there. Gabriel hadn’t expected any less. At least now the doc was mostly caught up so the sessions wouldn’t be nearly as long in the future. At least not for him. Sam had a whole lifetime of baggage that he needed to work out so who knew how long that would take. At least Benji had nothing better to do with his time and could take as long as Sam needed.


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning found Gabriel whistling his way through breakfast trying to calm his nerves. He was going to talk to Sam after breakfast. He was going to bare his heart to the stubborn hunter and hope it didn’t get stomped on. He had spent most of the night trying to think of the best way to do this and decided his original plan was a good one, so he just modified it. He waited until the hunters were done with their breakfast before he asked Sam to come to the library with him again. Once they were there, Sam sank into a chair and petulantly said, “I thought we would be done with this when I agreed to see your doctor.”

“No, that’s not what this is about. He can help you a lot more than I can with all that. Of course, if you ever do want to talk to me I’m here, but I’ll let him do the prodding,” Gabriel said with a nervous smile. 

“Then what is this about?” Sam asked suspiciously. 

“I…I’ve lied to you a lot over the years, Sam and I want to set the record straight,” Gabriel said sitting down and putting his hands under the table trying to hide how badly they were shaking. Sam narrowed his eyes at him, but didn’t say anything so Gabriel continued. “First, when you had me trapped in the holy fire and I made out like it was my family fighting that hurt me so much, that that was what I wanted to be over, that was a lie. They had always fought and yeah it sucked, but it was nothing new. What was killing me was waiting to lose you. Waiting for you to fall to your inevitable destiny. I wanted it to be over so I could move on.”

Sam’s eyes narrowed into a glare even as Gabriel continued. “In that hotel, I wasn’t there for Kali. I didn’t come back to help you stop the apocalypse. I came back for you. Because I couldn’t let you die or worse. I had found another way…finally…and I was going to give you every chance to live. I sacrificed my life in that hotel so that you could have a chance to live, Sam. Because that was what mattered.”

Sam couldn’t hold it in anymore. “He told you,” Sam accused heatedly. “He said…and you said…it was all confidential but he told you!”

“He didn’t tell me anything about you. Except that I should stop hiding my feelings whether you were receptive to them or not,” Gabriel assured him. 

“Why else would you be doing this?” Sam said turning to storm out, but Gabriel grabbed his wrist before he could get far. 

“Please, Sam. Just listen. Just hear me out. Please,” Gabriel said. 

“Why? So you can sacrifice yourself again to ‘fix’ me? No thanks,” Sam said heatedly. “If he didn’t tell you then Dean must have. I’ll kill him.”

“Damnit Sam. No one told me okay!” Gabriel said desperately. He just needed Sam to listen, but it seemed that wasn’t going to happen as long as he was trying to figure out who to blame for spilling the beans. “I overheard you telling Dean okay. I was coming back to apologize for losing my temper and I heard you tell him you loved me, but Sammy, I swear. This has nothing to do with ‘fixing’ you. Please just hear me out.”

Sam narrowed his eyes at the archangel and then looked down at his wrist that Gabriel was still gripping tightly. It wasn’t until he noticed the tears glistening in Gabriel’s eyes that he deflated and sat back down. “Fine. Talk.” He would listen, but he was making no promises for anything else. 

“I told you that when we first met it was because I was curious about you. About both of you. I wanted to see what you were like and I was blown away. Not with your bumbling attempts to hunt me, but with your kindness and integrity. You were everything you weren’t supposed to be. Your soul was so bright and pure and I was hooked. When I found out Dean sold his soul, I had to find a way to stop it. I couldn’t let you be corrupted. I couldn’t let you die and I knew that it would kill you. If not literally then figuratively and I couldn’t let that happen no matter what it meant for me. I knew going into mystery spot that I was sacrificing any chance I might have had at being with you. I knew you would hate me forever for it, but if it meant saving you then that’s what I would do. I hated every minute of it Sam. You have to know that. Every time I saw your heart break it nearly killed me and seeing what you became at the end…I couldn’t let it go on so I gave up. I tried one last time to get my point across and I let it end. I gave up and everything happened like it was meant to. Right up until you refused to say yes. I knew it was postponing the inevitable. I wanted it over so that I could mourn you and move on, but somehow you managed to give me hope again. Hope that all wasn’t lost so I started scrambling for another way. I found the answer about an hour before I walked into that hotel. I needed to get you away from them so I could tell you. I wanted to help you. I wanted…wanted to make up for at least a little of what I put you through. I knew it would never be enough, but I needed to do what I could. Then Lucifer showed up and I panicked. All I could think of was getting you out of there. I put the answers on the dvd, got it to Dean, saved Kali to give you two a reason to leave, and I didn’t care that I was about to die. I still don’t care. I would do it again in a heartbeat to give you a chance. I meant everything I said the other morning Sam. You are the most remarkable human I’ve ever met, and I…I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you.”

“Gabriel…” Sam started but Gabriel apparently wasn’t finished yet. 

“When I was resurrected, my first thought was to find you. To see how you were. I even asked Cassie about you when I saw him and I almost did come to you once I was free of Metatron, but I didn’t. I just…I couldn’t handle seeing you look at me with hate like you always did. It killed me every time. When I came here a few days ago, it was just an excuse. I mean, I really did need a place to lie low, but I did have other options. I just couldn’t resist the urge to see you again. Just for a minute. I expected to be yelled at and kicked out, but just to see you were alive and okay, that was all I wanted. Knowing how badly I hurt you…I’m so sorry, Sam. I never dreamed that you could…could feel anything for me. I…If I had known…god I’m just so sorry Sam. For everything. Please believe me. I swear on everything that is holy to me that I love you, Sam. I’ve always loved you. Please believe that.” Gabriel realized that he was rambling now and forced himself to stop talking as he awaited judgement. 

Sam, god help him, couldn’t not believe him, but it didn’t change anything and he needed to make Gabriel understand that. “I’m tainted, Gabriel…no it’s my turn to talk. I heard you about the whole manipulation thing, but it doesn’t change facts. I drank demon blood. Gallons of it. My eyes turned black when I was killing Lilith. Did you know that? And I liked it. I might as well be part demon. I was Lucifer’s vessel, not just in name, but I actually let him take me over. I felt him killing people. I helped him kill demons. I’m tainted and I can’t…can’t bring you down with me. You deserve…”

Gabriel couldn’t listen to any more of this. “Fuck what I deserve,” he growled. “I swear to you, Sam, if it takes me the rest of eternity to get through your head just how amazing you are, I will do it, but until then why don’t you let me worry about what I ‘deserve’. What I deserve is far less than you but by god if you’ll have me then I’ll take it anyway.” Sam blinked at him for a moment at the outburst and he saw Gabriel visibly calm himself down before he fell to his knees in front of Sam, reaching a hand up to run through the hunter’s hair. “Sam, I love you, more than I ever could have dreamed. I know you love me too, so let’s just let everything else sort itself out okay? Please, Sammy,” he said plaintively looking into the hunter’s glossy eyes even as his own tears glistened in his. 

Sam swallowed tightly around the lump in his throat and choked back a sob as he leaned over and pressed his lips to Gabriel’s and Gabriel couldn’t stop the tears from running down his face as he kissed Sam back with everything he had. He barely noticed when Sam’s chair went flying back and the hunter was on his knees in front of him, but he definitely noticed the strong arms wrapping around him and pulling him in tightly as Sam deepened the kiss and Gabriel’s arms wound around Sam’s neck as he gladly opened for him.


	10. Chapter 10

When they broke for air, Sam rested his forehead against Gabriel’s, both of them breathing heavily. “I…I do love you, Gabriel. I just…I can’t shake this feeling like I’m dragging you down.”

“Maybe, after your session with the doc, I can join you and we can see if we can get past all this together?” Gabriel asked hopefully. He was always going to suggest this and was glad that Sam gave him the opening. 

“You mean like…couples counselling?” Sam asked resisting the urge to turn his nose up at the idea. 

“Yeah. Exactly like that. It can’t hurt and maybe it’ll help.” He could see that Sam was waffling on the idea. “Let’s just give it a try?”

“Yeah. Okay. We can try it,” Sam gave in. He was far more dubious about it than he was about his own sessions though. They were out of necessity. This seemed more like a convenience and the idea of running to someone else whenever it was convenient just rubbed him the wrong way, but it apparently meant something to Gabriel so he would give it a shot. 

“Thank you, Sam,” Gabriel said kissing him again, keeping it short this time, but no less heartfelt, before he got up off the floor and pulled Sam effortlessly to his feet. Instead of sitting back in the chairs, he led the hunter over to the couch against the wall, unwilling to let him go just yet. He pulled Sam so that the hunter was leaning against him as he asked, “So I was thinking we could start doing this after lunch? You can go talk to him and then you can let me know when you’re done and then I can join you?” 

“Okay. Yeah. After lunch sounds good,” Sam said contentedly as he wrapped his arm tightly around the archangel and curled up to his side. They just sat there enjoying each other for a little while before Sam said, “Can I ask you something?” 

“You can always ask me anything Samshine,” Gabriel said happily. 

“Why did it take you so long to tell me? I mean, if you found out how I felt days ago…”

“I was afraid you would think I wasn’t being sincere. That I was just trying to help you. I was worried it would make things worse for you,” Gabriel told him. 

Sam couldn’t really argue with that. He had thought that. Part of him still did even. “But Dr. Rush said I would be okay?”

“What he actually said was that these things are better out in the open, regardless of the consequences,” Gabriel told him. 

“What else did you…never mind,” Sam stopped himself from asking. 

Gabriel knew what he was going to ask though and had no problem telling him. He didn’t want to keep anything from Sam. “We talked about a lot of things. Yes my guilt over the situation you’re in now was one of them, but it was only part of it. I hadn’t talked to him since after mystery spot and I picked up a lot of baggage since then. A lot of it relating to Lucifer and what he became and the fact that my protector became my killer. All the drama in heaven and the fact that as the last archangel, part of me feels an obligation to be there, but I don’t want to and I feel guilty that I don’t want to. I probably should have called him a long time ago really, but I kept putting it off.” 

“So you do feel guilty about me,” Sam said sadly. 

“Of course I do Sammy. The most important thing in all of creation to me is hurting because of something I did. How could I not? I know I shouldn’t and the doc and I are working on that. I’ll be okay. I’ll get past it, but you need to know that it’s not the only thing bothering me. There is a lot of other stuff up there messing me up right now that has nothing to do with you.” Gabriel wanted to make sure that Sam understood that. He had to tell him that this situation was part of it. He knew he wouldn’t be able to hide that forever and he didn’t want to keep treating Sam like he was fragile. Not now that worst of the hurdles were over. Not now that he finally had Sam the way he wanted him, but he would spare him what he could. 

Sam fought the urge to scoff at that ‘most important thing in all of creation’ comment. Maybe for now, and that was a pretty big maybe, but Sam knew that he would get old and even die and Gabriel would move on…if he stuck around that long…and then he would have a new ‘most important thing in all of creation’. 

Gabriel could tell that something was bothering the hunter and gently pushed for it. Part of him thought it might be better to wait until the doc was there, but they couldn’t use him as a crutch. If it was something they couldn’t get past on their own then they would loop him in, but they had to learn to deal with things together too. “What’s going on in that big brain of yours?” 

“Nothing important,” Sam mumbled. 

“Apparently it’s important to you which makes it important to me. Please talk to me Sammy?” he asked hopefully. 

“It’s just…I’m human. I’m not gonna be around forever and then you’ll move on and I know it’s stupid. I do want you to be happy when I’m gone just…when you say stuff like that it reminds me that I’m just a passing ship in your long life.”

“Oh Sammy. You are not a passing ship. Not at all. You’re everything. I…” Gabriel considered carefully whether he wanted to go there yet, but decided in for a penny in for a pound. He needed Sam to see how serious he was. “I know that you’re nowhere near ready for something like that and neither are we, but one day…when we are…I want to bond with you Sammy. To be with you for eternity. You’re it for me kiddo. Forever.”

“But…you…you’ve never…”

“No. I’ve never bonded with anyone before. I’ve never cared enough about anyone to want to tie myself to them for an eternity. Until now. I don’t want to overwhelm you Sammy, and like I said, I know that’s a long way away, but I need you to know how serious I am about this. About you. I need you to know that you’re far more than a ‘passing ship’. You’re my everything and you always will be,” Gabriel told him. 

“O-okay,” Sam said shakily trying to come to terms with that. He couldn’t believe it. He wanted to believe it, but he couldn’t. Not yet. Gabriel could see that, but it was okay. It, like everything else, would take time. 

They spent the rest of the morning talking about lighter subjects, interspersed with gentle kisses, and this time, Gabriel snapped up lunch rather than take the time away from Sam to cook it. After lunch Sam went to see Dr. Rush and it was about two hours before he came to get Gabriel who was just pulling another pie out of the oven and they went for their session, Gabriel bringing the pie for the doctor. 

Sam saw Dr. Rush every day for six months, most days followed by seeing him with Gabriel, and gradually Sam came out of his shell and started coming to terms with everything and not just what led to this. His whole life. He hadn’t even realized how much baggage he was carrying with him from as far back as his childhood. After that six months, he still saw him once a week. Once Gabriel joined them though it was more as friends talking then couples counselling, though they did still get some issues worked out in the meantime. When Sam and Gabriel were married five years later, the good doctor got to see a little more of the world and how it had changed since he died. They weren’t going to get married without him there after all thought they did have to coach him a bit on how to blend in. Oh he still didn’t do well, but well enough that he could just be explained away as a beloved eccentric uncle. Not that there were many people there anyway. They didn’t know very many people after all, but Sam didn’t want anyone else to know about his issues. It was bad enough that Dean knew, and there were a few humans present with no knowledge of the supernatural. He and Gabriel had gotten out and socialized a bit once they got together, going on dates mostly, but there were a few people they liked enough to invite. 

Not long after the wedding, Sam stopped seeing Dr. Rush on a regular basis but, like Gabriel, he had standing orders to call whenever he needed to. It took a while before Sam was comfortable with it though. He always felt bad, like he was shutting Gabriel out whenever he did so, but Gabriel never said a word. He never pushed Sam to share, though Sam usually did after the doc helped him get his head on straight and Sam eventually became more comfortable with it. Whenever he started to feel weak for still needing help, which was only once or twice a year, Gabriel just reminded him that he’d been past the worst of it for more than a thousand years. Of course, he was better able to deal now. He’d also taken a lot longer to get to this point too, so there was nothing weak about Sam. 

It was five years after the wedding, ten after they had gotten together, before they bonded. Sam finally believed that Gabriel wanted forever with him and most importantly, Sam finally wanted forever himself. Forever with Gabriel hadn’t been a question for years, but the idea of living forever period was what Sam tended to struggle with. He had seen over the last ten years that life didn’t have to be running and fighting all the time though. He saw how much fun it could be. Especially with someone like Gabriel at his side. 

Doctor Rush came back into the picture on a steadier basis for a while after Dean died. Gabriel had explained that as a Winchester and Michael’s vessel that he would cause a bit of a stir when he got to heaven. They would forget about him eventually, but there was too much chance someone would notice if he got pulled away, at least for a while. Sam wasn’t dealing so well though so the doc helped him past it and as Gabriel promised, he did eventually get weekly dinners with his brother once he had been gone for a few decades and the angels lost interest. 

Over the millennia, Gabriel showed Sam not just the world, but all the worlds in all the universe. They even spent quite a bit of time hopping through time, not able to interact of course, but able to watch and Sam, even after all this time, loved history. He got to see first-hand how things got twisted over time and outwardly laughed at the things children were taught about his time period a thousand years later. Sam never let Gabriel heal his scars. Gabriel’s couldn’t be healed and it made him feel more connected to the archangel. It was something they shared. A burden that they carried together and a reminder of how bad things could be and to be grateful for everything they had. They never stopped being completely devoted to each other and shared an amazing life together, full of adventure and fun and love.


End file.
